Yesterday didn’t go so well for me. I don’t know what it was in particular that stressed me out so terribly, but I was on the verge of losing it through most of the day. Axel was fussy. I wanted to do my own thing. I didn’t really feel like being a “mommy”. I feel so shameful saying that, but it’s really true. I just wanted to be by myself, watch my old movies, read my book, and relax. I didn’t want to entertain this little person. I just wasn’t in the mood.
Then, Patrick came home, and I unloaded my frustration on him, which I feel bad for doing now. Poor guy. He works so hard, comes home, takes the baby, works hard some more, eats, and passes out around 11-12, only to wake up at 6am and do it all over again. I know he needs a break.
I was thinking the other night how important it is for us both to have a break, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Life is stressful, especially now that we have a son. There is so much to do, and literally, so little time to do it. Ugh, how I wish we could just move to the country, grow a bunch of fruit trees, and live off the land. That would be the life.
Fortunately, this morning I woke up feeling more like myself again. (I actually wanted to be a nice person, lol.) Don’t get me wrong, I did take care of Axel yesterday, despite my feeling exceptionally lazy. I just had to work at it. I guess that’s what being a mother is. I take care of my baby because I love him, AND because he is my responsibility. Sure, it’s challenging at times, but what rewarding thing isn’t? I want Axel to have a better life than I did. He deserves it.
I know there will be days that I’ll be mentally shot, but there will also be days that are filled with more joy than I can even imagine. And, even if another day never came, it would still be worth it. Every minute spent with my beautiful son makes me a better person. It’s my hope that, one day, he’ll be able to say that I made him a better person, too.
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Very sweet post! And don’t be so hard on yourself. Every mother has those feelings at one time or another….and another…and another..